The Broken Lily
by Cornelia Grayson
Summary: A bleak, stormy night. Lily Potter sits alone, wondering where it all went so wrong...
1. Chapter 1

It's gone. Forever.

I used to have ambition. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew what I was going to do with my life. I had a plan. Where did it all go so wrong? Why has my life crumbled around my ears? Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love my beauteous husband, my radiant, brilliant son. I even love my Tuney. But I never wanted this. All those times when I was planning my life, this wasn't what I wanted. You don't understand. James could never understand. Only one person could. But that's out of the question; I can't talk to Severus, not now, not after what he's done.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be actress. I was always so dramatic - maybe too dramatic sometimes - and I knew I could it. Maybe I was too self-assured. But I was wooed by the lights, the music, and the fame. What? I was only little, barely out of nursery; I always had big ambitions! Me and Tuney used to act out scenes at home, royals, pirates, Tuney's favourite was animals - she couldn't wait to be a zookeeper. She used to tell all these stories about what her life would be like when she was older; she wanted to travel the world, caring for exotic and endangered animals. It was my fault she never made it. Me and my stupid magic! My favourite game was witches – not surprising, really! The thought of flying on broomsticks, waving a wand and getting whatever you wanted really appealed to me. I never even thought it would come true!

When I was a little older, I wanted to be a nurse. I'd outgrown the selfish, egocentric part of my life and I wanted to do something special. I wanted to be remembered as someone who did the best she could with the talent she had. I don't know where my urge to nurse came from. My parents, who were lovely people, I mean, absolutely beautiful, never did anything like that. I'm not saying they weren't special. They were. I love my parents and always have done but they never really had ambition. They were happy with their lives. I suppose that's good, they never wanted for anything; I did. My best friend broke her arm once. It wasn't a bad break, but we were all alone and she was so scared. We were still in Primary school. I remember running, laughing - we were always laughing - and then I couldn't hear her anymore. It was like slow motion. The silence. Then the scream; a terrible, tormenting, blood-curdling scream. I can still feel my blood turning to ice. She was my best friend, I didn't know what I'd have done if anything had happened to her. It seems stupid now, worrying about a broken arm, when so much horror has gone on in the world, but to an 8-year old girl, one arm that was more bent that necessarily normal was a nightmare. I just held her hand and tried to stop her crying. And I remember when she was being taken in the ambulance, I had such a rush of adrenalin - I wanted it again, everyday! I wanted people I didn't even know to come up to me in the street and thank me for saving their granny or their boyfriend. I wanted to do something, to help people. To be honest, I still do. I suppose I always thought I'd do something but there's no chance of that now. But if I ever could, I'd want to...

And then I met my Sev. Severus Snape. The kindest, most honest man I've ever met. I knew him vaguely, he lived in the village. Kids were always laughing at him, stealing his things. And everyone knew what he coped with at home. No love lost there, I can tell you! But that's not important. I knew I was different, that I could do things other people couldn't, but I could never tell anyone. Who would believe me? I'd tried to tell Tuney but she never listened. And then he came, appearing from the bushes, like a shadow, and he became my best friend. He told me so many things, so many amazing things; I learned I was witch and he was a wizard, I discovered there was an entire world I didn't know about. It was brilliant. The best time of my life. I wanted to be the best witch of my age; I wanted to learn amazing things - with Sev alongside me. But I lost Tuney. I gained my best friend and lost my sister. And I never got her back. It's been 10 years, 10 long, upsetting, fantastic years, and my sister's never been my Tuney again. Sev made it all okay though. I forgot about Petunia, about mum and dad, about my worries about Hogwarts, and I lived that summer like I've never lived again. Severus Snape was my saviour. I never stopped loving him. I love James, he's my soulmate, my other half, but Sev was there for me when no one else was, he was like me, but not me.

I am blessed to be a wife. James is... James is James. He loves me for who I am; he looks at me as if he can't see the flaws. And I was born to be a mum. Harry looks at me as if I am a goddess. He is beautiful, my son, his eyes so green, and his hair so black. I hope he has a good life. My heart breaks when I realise he'll never be able to call anyone Mama, he'll never be able to call anyone Papa. And he'll be alone. If I could stay with him, with James, I would, but I can't.

There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I want more than growing up with James and Harry, and becoming a brilliant witch, becoming a Healer. But I can't. Not anymore. And there's nothing I can do about it. My ambition.

Gone.


	2. Chapter 2

There have been a precious few days in my life that I know I'll never forget. Days which I could never forget, even if I wanted to.

It seemed so strange. I'd seen strange things already since discovering I was a witch - magic wands, flying broomsticks, goblin bankers. But a train station in a wall? It couldn't be possible; yet it was. I could see Mum was terrified - she had been ever since I got my Hogwarts letter. I knew she was proud of me, but for an eleven year old to see their mum look at them with fear - it was heartbreaking. Dad, on the other hand, was in his element! He was a train driver and fascinated with engineering; for him, a magical train was the same as a muggle one. I could see him itching to look at it, to see how it worked, but staying with me. I remember, that was the day me and Tuney had our big argument. She'd been crying. She was always crying, ever since I met Sev, ever since I found out I had magic. I hadn't meant to pry. I knew how much her privacy meant to her, but Sev had been so insistent. He told me that was the only way to make her happy, to found out what was wrong. It was such a kind reply from Professor Dumbledore. For the first time, I really understood what it meant for her. She could never match me again.

What's a mathematician against a magician?

The things I said that day I truly regret. And I'm sure Petunia does as well. But once they were said, we could never take them back. And we could never forget.

It wasn't all bad though. Sure, when I had to get on the train it was. Mum and Dad were almost as upset as I was. There was such a tug of homesickness when the train pulled out of the station that I almost begged to get straight back off again. If it wasn't for Severus, I probably would have. He kept me calm though. He took my luggage and his, and led me to a carriage. It wasn't empty. That was where I met Sirius Black. That was where I met James. I didn't pay much attention at first. I was upset and to be honest, they were just two boys I probably wouldn't go out of my way to talk to. I do remember thinking they were handsome, especially Sirius. James would kill me if he ever heard me say that! I was staring out the window until I heard them start arguing - James, Sirius and Severus. I hate bullying, always have, and always will. The things they were saying - I expected it of James and Sirius but Severus too? It was horrible! In the end I stormed out, taking Severus with me.

My first sight of Hogwarts. I wish I could see Harry's face when he first sees Hogwarts. It was a stormy, dark, bleak night and I could see lights flickering in the windows. It never occurred to me that they were candles; I thought it was just the storm. Me and Sev shared our boat with Remus and a girl called Mary Finnegan - I thought they were really nice, but I Sev looked angry and almost bored. I didn't understand it - we were almost there, at Hogwarts, the place we'd been dreaming of for months and all of a sudden, he wasn't interested! What was that all about? But finally, when we walked through the magnificent, wooden doors, he couldn't resist being just as awestruck as I was. We climbed up the Grand Staircase, all of us as scared as each other, none of us talking. Ghosts were flying everywhere; nervous murmurs were starting up. And then... we were walking down the hall. I'd seen large crowds before but nothing could have prepared me for that. I had never been so nervous, not when I'd been in trouble at school, not even when I'd thought I'd have to go to Azkaban for doing underage magic. The feeling in my stomach when I saw the Sorting Hat sitting on the stool... I still wake up now, remembering it. I remember seeing Dumbledore, his beard longer than I thought beards could ever be, his glasses glinting in the candlelight. When people starting getting called up, my nerves were almost unbearable. Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor - he swaggered over to that table and any idiot could see how happy he was. I saw Severus smirk. That annoyed me a bit; I didn't see the point of the prejudice between the different houses. When it was my turn, I thought I would pass out right there, in front of everyone.

GRYFFINDOR!

Sev's face is the one out of all of the others in the Hall that stays in my mind - disappointment and betrayal. I felt a flash of anger. It wasn't my fault I'd been put into Gryffindor, was it? I almost immediately felt ashamed - I was Sev's only friend and he was so sure he was going to be in Slytherin. He must have been so scared he was losing me. I remember James' face as well. He looked very happy, a bit too happy, if I do say so myself. I glared at him, and at Sirius when I sat down. I was still angry with them both. How dare they bully Severus when they didn't even know him? James was in Gryffindor too, so by then I was getting nervous. I didn't want to be in a house with James and Sirius but not Severus. But he went into Slytherin. James and Sirius sniggered and I almost hit them I was so angry. I could see Sev's devastated face from across the hall.

I was so full of excitement, exhilaration – ambition, even - that night. I miss it, that feeling, and I'd love to go back. Back to that night. To my childhood, when I didn't have to worry or stress or anything. To when I was happy.


	3. Chapter 3

I always thought I'd marry Severus. When I was growing up I couldn't imagine a day without him, let alone a lifetime! He was my best friend, my brother. Severus Snape and Lily Evans; the most inseparable pair since James Potter and Sirius Black. He's still a big, important person in my life; a traitor but not all bad. He's not the Severus Snape I knew. He was a good man.

Lily Snape. It never did have quite the same ring as Lily Potter, did it?

Severus made me who I am today and we had so many amazing and brilliant times together. I have so many more stories about him to tell, so many new stories to tell the world. Stories from so long ago I've almost forgotten them myself. But there was a time when I all but forgot about Sev. (James will love that!) But it's true. When I realised how much he meant to me I changed completely. I'd always prized myself on being strong-willed - a feminist, even, from a very young age but when I saw James, I turned into the type of girls I loathed. I still loath them. Girls with no backbone. Girls who think having a boyfriend is more important than having a life. It didn't take me long to grow out of it, I suppose, but my relationship with Sev changed. He treated me differently and it really broke my heart. He was my best friend and suddenly he was treating me with utter indifference! What was with that? I know he didn't like James but it was unfair. I mean, it was because of Sev I grew out of my infatuated faze. Yes, I liked James Potter but not at the expense of my closest friend. I couldn't love him at the expense of a certain friend, whom James Potter was constantly bullying.

I loved Severus. But I love James.

It took me years to finally get together with him. His stupid big-headed attitude irritated me and even his own friends! Maybe that's mean. Remus was always decent to me, decent to Sev, even when rumours about him were so rampant even I was embarrassed. And Peter was so shy, so quiet. I never really remembered him when we were kids but I can see what Sirius and James saw in him now. He's kind, honest. But more than that, he's loyal. Peter Pettigrew stayed loyal to James and Sirius even through some of their more tempestuous times; he's more loyal than the other boys. And Sirius… wow! I probably shouldn't say that considering I'm married to his best friend but wow. He was so handsome, still is if I'm honest, and way too flirtatious for an 11 year old! His rebellious streak always appealed to me, too. He stood up for himself a lot more than most other boys; he was a bit like Sev in that way. He had that devil-may-care attitude that is incredibly attractive! But it was James who always stood out to me.

James, annoying, selfish and insipid as he was, seemed so self-assured. A lot more than I was. A lot more than I ever could be. But when he grew up, when he matured… he turned into the man I love. He always listened when I was sad, he'd tell jokes to cheer me up, and he knew some really cheesy Muggle magic tricks. He'd come up behind me and whisper that he loved me. He'd hold my hand and was always there for me. He gave up so much for me – he had to stop being so rebellious. I'm not saying he lost that dashing, carefree attitude, but he became an adult version of himself. There are times when I get fed up of coming downstairs and seeing him and the Marauders lounging around my house. I yell at him for going out without telling me. I kicked him out when he decided repairing Sirius' motorbike was more important that our wedding!

I love him. James Potter – he makes me whole, he makes me smile. He stops me crying, he even left Sev alone for me, and most importantly he changed. He changed for me when no one else ever has. Sev didn't. Severus Snape, the man I always imagined I would marry, he dabbled in dark arts. No, he did more than dabble. I have never stopped loving Severus… I never will. But he knew how felt and he did nothing.

Nothing.

And James gave me the best gift possible. Harry James Potter. My mother told me that having a child would change your life but I could never imagine how much. My heart aches for Harry. Every second I'm not with him is like a lifetime. Every time he cries, my heart cries with him; I just want to take him in my arms, to protect him from the world. His smiles are worth a million days with James, a billion days with Severus. I wake up in a cold sweat, not because of my old nightmares about Severus being killed a Death Eater, not even my nightmares of James being hurt, but of Harry. Of him feeing alone growing up. Of him having to fight for his life. Of him having all the problems normal boys have but without his father to help him. Most regularly, of him being alone, of him when James and I aren't around anymore. I would give my life for Harry Potter, and I know James would too.

I love watching him smile. His laugh makes my heart grow warm. He used to play with other kids all the time. The Longbottoms are great with him; their little boy's only a day older than Harry. The boys would smile, waving wands like experienced wizards already. He used to love the Weasleys too. The older boys loved having Harry around. They treat him like another brother. I feel for Molly sometimes - 6 boys (7 if you count Arthur)! I can hardly cope with 1, and sometimes he's a struggle too! It's not fair that all those times had to stop. I know it's for our protection, but it's like being in prison. Harry shouldn't have to give up his friends.

I love my family. I would never give them up.


	4. Chapter 4

Hogwarts was amazing - it still is! I mean, if you stripped it back to its base, you get a beautiful, ancient piece of stunning architecture. With its massive grounds and yards of mysterious forest it could have been something from a fairytale - no, a legend! There were stupid little things as well; moving staircases that would take you to random places in the castle when you really need to be somewhere else; pictures and portraits who would talk to you, give advice, and always get you into trouble; the whomping willow, a tiny tree with a punch a thousand times its size! The Gryffindor common room was amazing too. Plush armchairs in every corner, a roaring fire, and incredibly cosy four-poster beds. The great hall with its million candles, the eerie dungeons - I love everything about Hogwarts. But more importantly, I love the people that go there. The ghosts: always giving advice, then leaning through you and making you freeze to death on the inside. The house elves: kind, hardworking, enslaved, but knowing their own minds. The teachers: strict but fair; some of them became good friends. And the students who were brave, loyal, witty, and cunning.

I remember my first year, my first day. I was terrified! Everyone seemed so much bigger than me, not just taller but with much larger personalities, as well. I was lucky though: I had Sev - Gryffindor and Slytherin didn't talk, as a rule, but he always made time to talk to me - and I had Mary. She was a girl in my year, in my house, and she was so kind, so ... honest and loving. She's dead now. Mary and I were so close - we'd do everything together. I was good at charms; she was good at DADA. We'd play practical jokes on the boys in our year - James and Sirius in particular. I remember them screaming when we hid jelly worms in their beds once! We were so immature. I had other friends too, but none as close as Mary and Sev - especially in my first year.

And as for the lessons...

I loved Charms, and it came so naturally to me. Flitwick was such a good teacher because he treated us as friends; not pupils, friends. And the spells were so cool - I mean, Wingardium Leviosa, Swish and Flick; it doesn't get much better than that!

I always liked Transfiguration. It was complicated, easily the most complicated thing I have ever studied, but brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Defence Against the Dark Arts was great too. I was never too keen on the curses, however they weren't hard, and the defence spells were awesome! I never liked Herbology though - it was too peaceful, too nature-y. Its not that I don't like plants or animals, I'm just not too good with them. They never seem to like me. I could never fly either - not like James. I had one flying lesson in my first year and I gave up - I was seriously that bad! I fell off loads, and that was only when I managed to actually get on the broom in the first place!

It was non-stop work but I loved it. And I miss it! I know everyone says that, even muggles, but it's true. I had so much fun in school - not just at Hogwarts, at my primary school too. In a way, I wish I was still there. Not just for my friends or my lessons but for the freedom it would give me - innocence, and no knowledge about this heartless, painful war.

My favourite subject was potions. I was good at it - no better than anyone else - but I was good at it. Sev was amazing; he only had to look at a cauldron to create a magnificent potion. He had - what would you call it? - a magic touch. Sirius was great too - at least he was the first few lessons, but he kind of fizzled out. Professor Slughorn was always so kind. He was prejudiced, I knew that; he was so surprised that I was good at potions as if he didn't believe a muggleborn could be talented, or, at least, as talented as a pureblood. But he was a good man. He still is - or he would be, if he wasn't a coward. He was never a Gryffindor ... the first sign of trouble and he'd hide. (He sounds like a naughty child when you put it like that!) He was great, the best teacher I've ever had.

When I look back, I didn't do much in my first year. Just waved a wand, said a few incantations. But then, in a way, it was such an important time of my life. I met Mary, my best friend and the person who got me over my feud with Petunia; I met the Marauders, who would eventually become like family to me; I met James, my husband; and Sev and I, we became like twins. We were never seen outside of each other's company, we were closer than we had been before Hogwarts, and closer than we'd ever be again.

I passed all my exams with flying colours; top of the class in Charms, second

to Sev in Potions. I even passed Herbology! The train ride home was peaceful enough, no James or Sirius to upset us this time, but filled with nostalgia. We'd only been away from Hogwarts for a few hours and already we were missing it. And I was scared - scared that Petunia would hate me, scared that it would be really awkward when I got home. I knew I'd miss Mary so much - we cried when we said goodbye at the platform. I was going to miss Sev too. I know he lived near me but his parents were arguing more and he didn't think he'd be allowed out too much. His dad ... well, let's just say they didn't get on. It was okay, though; I still saw Sev sometimes and, although Petunia was awful, Mum and Dad were great.

That year was so important, now I come to think about it, but I can barely remember it. It's awful - that those days were only ten years ago and it feels like a lifetime. That within ten years the wizarding world could so utterly obliterated - that within ten years one wizard could ruin the lives of so many. It's awful.


End file.
